Baseball Time.

Out of our four boys, Luke is our bestest

athlete.  Give him a ball, racket, bat, or

club, he is a natural.  The Mom part of me

cannot believe that my youngest boy is

starting high school next year.  Did I blink

or something?!?  Luke is going to try out

for Desert Oasis baseball team.  He will

have an extremely busy summer ahead 

of him.  That means he would play American

Legion ball this summer . . . a game almost

every single day with practice every single

day!!!

While it is beyond our imaginations

to believe that our Dad is not here

to coach our Luke, we are so incredibly

thankful for our Uncle Jeff.  He has taken

Luke under his wing and is going to work

with him every.single.day until tryouts.

Once again, we continue to be amazed

and incredibly thankful for our wonderful

family and friends who have stepped up

to the plate in so very many ways.  We

seriously do.not know what in the world

we would do without them.  While I still

struggle to even accept the reality of it

all, there are those who have and have 

been such a blessing to our family in 

more ways than anyone could ever

imagine.

I struggle with the fact that my boys

earthly father is in Heaven.  It is beyond

my comprehension that our wonderful

Dad will not be here for Luke's baseball

games, has not here for Sam's golf

tournaments this season, is not here to

root Tim on with his guitar playing and

career choices, is not here to see how Zach

has managed to work and go to school

this semester.  Has not seen Luke's 

incredibly darling little friend Faith or

meet her amazing family.  I do not like

the fact that Mike has not been here to

talk about my dissertation or the fact

that tomorrow is my last principal interview

or the fact that I am working on Chapters

4 and 5 . . . 

Pretty crazy to even begin to comprehend it

all . . . Thankfully, I do not need to worry

about carrying that burden all alone!!

My Luke.

Unequivocally, my Luke is THE bestest

thirteen year old on this planet.  I love him

like crazy.  He melts my heart.  He is an

amazing human being.  He is sensitive,

kind, loving, Christlike, and loves all others

above himself.  Plain and simple, without

Luke, I would be toast.  I lean on him

when he should be leaning on me.  He

takes such good care of me.  He is so

concerned about my well-being and puts

that above his own.  I worry so about my

youngest, losing his precious Dad at the

tender age of thirteen.  How could that 

possibly be.  Seriously, I know that I have

said it a million times before and I will

probably say it a million times again, I

simply.cannot.believe.it.  Truthfully, I do

not know when your heart and your mind

accept such a devastating loss.  Is it a

year from now, five years from now . . .

As we begin to emerge from our protective

cocoons and venture out into the big world

out there, it is only with the help of those

like my Luke who are so gentle, kind, and

thoughtful.  I am so thankful that he has a

plethora of good friends . . . yet, he is the

nicest and bestest friend to them.

My Luke is pretty darn amazing!  There is

not a moment that goes by that I forget

to thank my Heavenly Father for this sweet,

wonderful, talented young boy.

Missing Our Wonderful Dad.

So loved when things were JUST like THIS!!!

It is just so hard to comprehend.

Difficult to still imagine.

More than hard to believe.

We miss and love our wonderful Dad

so very much!!

Some days are much more difficult

than others . . . Yet, we are all

trying desperately to somehow

move on in our journey.

THURSDAY BONUS:  Had so much

fun facetiming with our Tim.

He is a wonderful son and I miss

him with all of my heart!  I am so

excited that he working so hard to

achieve his goals.

Zach continues to work hard at his

studies and his job.  I am so thankful

for him and how he cares for 

all of us!!

Sam is doing such an AMAZING job

both on and off the course!!!  His

schoolwork is impeccable.  He is

truly a remarkable young man.

Luke . . . what a WONDERFUL

WONDERFUL son!!!  Everything

about him is beyond words.  I

am so very proud of him!!!

BLESSINGS abound.  We are so 

incredibly thankful for our wonderful

family and friends . . . for their 

continued support and prayers.  

There have been so many who have

come alongside . . . willing to bare

some of the burden.  We are forever

grateful.

Count on Me.

Counting on you more than I EVER

imagined.  I do so thank ALL of

you for EVERYTHING that you

have done for my family and

me over the past two years as we

have gone through the fire.

Mom, Susan, Donna, Cathy,

Diane . . . you guys are THE

bestest EVER.  I can count on

you for ANYTHING.  You know

that you can count on me also!!

I.do.not.know.what.I.would.do.

without.you.in.my.life.

All By Myself.

A bazillion text messages. Two hundred phone

calls. Six hundred peanut butter M&Ms.  A

huge quilt project.  Two kids on their second

night of spending the night.  But I did it!!!

I spent almost all of my Saturday all alone.

I had walked my 9 in the morning.  Had

a hair appointment.  Ran several errands.

Came home and worked on my quilt and

some school work.

But . . . I did it!!  My Mom said that she

would come over at a moments notice

and I know that anyone of my pals would

have come over had I called, but I actually

did it.  I can't say that I liked it, but I

did it.  

My besties usually cover my back!

Last night I knew that the boys were

going to be gone, so I called Cathy,

Diane, and Cathy's mom.  They met

me for dinner at my favorite Cafe

Rio and then came to our house

to play cards.  I could have easily

orchestrated something like that today,

but even though there were some tears

and some loud "why" talks with God,

I can say that I did it.

Missin' YOU!

Probably not the very best picture of our

amazing husband and Dad.  But our hearts

continue to break as we miss, miss, miss

this man so very, very, very, very much.

How could this be?  We still cannot even

begin to comprehend it . . .

You are irreplaceable!  We love you so

and cry and speak of you so much of 

our day.  We know that you are where

you are supposed to be and we are 

where we are supposed to be . . . darn.it!

. . . so can't wait to talk to Jesus about

this!!!

Four Months.

Of course my Sam took these amazing

pics when the guys were out on fishing

trips in Reno.  We do realize that we 

have so very many blessings!  Our

family is so thankful for our wonderful

cheerleaders and support team.  We

pray for them always and are ever

grateful for their constant presence in

our lives and their constant care,

thoughts, and prayers for our family.

I would be hard pressed to say that we

would be in such good shape without

them.  We continue to praise God for

the fact that I am able to stay home with

our boys.  We understand what a 

hardship it would be if I had to leave the

boys each day to go to work and to come

home, keep the house inside and out,

care for the boys, run the errands . . . and

the endless list of things that must be

accomplished each and every day.

As we approach four months, we are

now coming to understand that our

new "normal" will now be the way that

we navigate through this life . . . We are

prepared to embrace our new journey

and excited for the triumphs and trials

that we encounter along the way . . .

Buckle up!

Missing our Dad.

The boys and I were talking tonight about 

how very much we miss our Dad.  He was

most definitely one in a million!!!  We talked

about how devoted he was to our family and

how he was interested in ANYTHING that

we were interested in.  He loved to support

us in ALL that we did.  Luke especially misses

all of the outdoor fun and activities that our

Dad so loved to participate in with our

boys.  Even when we moved back to Las

Vegas and his health was failing so, he

would take Luke out to look for birds and

wanted so desperately to take him deer

hunting.  It has been almost four months 

since our wonderful husband and Dad 

passed from this life.  It is still so very

difficult to imagine that he is really in

Heaven.  It is difficult to imagine that he

is really not going to walk through that

front door at any moment.  As the rubber

meets the road, we are encouraged by the

legacy of this sweet wonderful family man.

We are so grateful that he was ours and

that we were so very, very blessed to

have him as the head of our family.  We

miss him so and cannot wait to meet

him again ONE DAY VERY SOON!

Triggers.

Grief counselors call them triggers.  Triggers are

those things that are like little daggers to your

heart and bring on an ambush of feelings about

the loved one you have lost.  There are about

fifty bazillion triggers that bring these feelings

about my sweet Mike.  If I see a truck that looks

like his driving down the street, the tears flow,

if I hear songs on the radio, it is difficult to hold

tears back . . .

 Mike knew how much I loved

carmel dip on just.about.anything.  He purchased

this carmel dip about a month before he

went to Heaven.  I have it tucked behind other

items in the pantry, but every so often it 

sneaks up . . . 

To this point, I really have not moved or

touched ANYTHING let alone pack up or

donate any clothing or personal items.  Seeing

these glasses in his medicine cabinet . . . The

ones that always had shaving cream on the

ear pieces . . . a definite trigger.  I cannot move

the soap in the soap dish in the shower . . . 

plus about a million other things.

Losing your spouse is just about one of the

toughest things that I can ever imagine.

Losing my sweet Mike still seems pretty

surreal to me.  I do think that I am still teater

between shock and denial.  I really simply

do not want to believe it.  

I must say that our wonderful Lord has

provided me with wonderful family and

friends . . . old and new.  He has brought

people in to my life that I would have

never imagined.  He has allowed me to 

grow in areas that I never imagined.

Yep, I am sure that I will have these

triggers the rest of my entire life.  Triggers

that bring back to my mind very quickly

my Mike.  As we recover, we continue

to talk about our wonderful husband and

Dad each and every day.  I can tell when 

one of the boys is especially missing him.

Things will NEVER be the same.  That is

difficult to realize.  We are beginning to

understand that we must accept our "new

normal" and listen as the Lord leads and

prompts us.

For a girl with a storybook life, this is

very difficult to accept . . . I spend many

hours each and every day in prayer and

devote much time to LISTENING . . . which

has NEVER been one of my strong suits.

Three Months.

I do so wonder what my incredibly sweet

husband was thinking in this picture . . .

Three months have passed since our

wonderful husband and Dad went to be

with his Jesus.

Difficult. Crazy. Wild. Happy. Sad.

Fun. Boring. Lonely. Fast. Slow.

Hot. Cold. Crying. Smiling.

So many emotions . . . just so much.

There isn't a moment when I am not

thinking about him and wondering just

what he is getting to do up there.  How

lucky he is to be fulfilling all of the plans

that our Lord has for him.  Yet.  It is

so incredibly hard to be the one

"stuck" here without him.  I look at the

boys and am happy and excited about

all of the memories they have shared

with their awesome Dad.  I look at the

boys and grieve for all of the time and

memories that will never be.  I think 

about myself, sometimes, when I let

that creep in and just cannot imagine

my world without my Mike.  I feel

like a foreigner . . . trudging along, trying

to make sense of so very many things.

Truthfully, I do not think that I even believe

that our Dad is just not going to walk 

right through that front door . . .

Three months . . .

"Out for More Fabric."

If I'm not home, you can usually find me at

the fabric store!!  These 1930 reproduction

retro fabrics are most definitely "ooh" and

"ahh" worthy.

I read this today.  This totally sums up

grief the way I feel it:

It's not the kind of sadness to where you

cry all the time, but more like the sadness

that overwhelms your entire body, leaving

your heart aching and your stomach empty.

Making you feel weak and tired. Yet, you

cannot even sleep because the sadness is

in your dreams too.  It's almost a sadness

that you cannot escape.

Sing Along Sunday.

One of my favorite songs by my

favorite artists, reminding me I am

a foreigner in a strange land.  I

so cannot wait to go home.

Wise Rose Kennedy wrote:  "It

has been said that time heals all

wounds.  I do not agree.  The wounds

remain.  In time, the mind, protecting

its sanity covers them with scar tissue,

and the pain lessens, but is never gone."

Memories.

 The shelves in our closet are lined with

scrapbooks of all shapes and sizes.  

 While it is difficult for me to even peek

at the bindings of these books containing

a bazillion memories . . . I am EVER so

grateful that we have them.

 The boys pull them out on their

own from time to time.  I can hear

lots and lots of laughter as they

make their way down Memory Lane.

 . . . naked pics . . . not.so.much.

 We are so grateful for our memories

and how God allows us to hold them

in special places in our mind.

It is so very painful to allow myself to think

about too many of them at one time . . . It

seems to work best to savor and treasure them

in small increments.  According to experts,

there is just no "getting over this".  All I can

assure you is that I have never, EVER, never,

EVER been through ANYTHING that even

comes remotely close to comparing to losing

my amazing husband and the father of our

wonderful boys.  Why did God chose me?

I cannot wait until that part of my journey is

revealed.  It is so very difficult to fathom all

that the reality of this brings . . . so I 

take it, as one of my sweet friends said,

"One breath and one step at a time".  At

times that is a wee bit difficult.  You see

I have been breathing and walking with

someone mighty special for a very long

time.  Doing it on my own is so very

foreign . . . and at times seems almost

impossible.  So for now, I cling to what I

know best and that is my Jesus does not

make mistakes.  I hug and kiss those boys

way too tightly at times.  And . . . make

lots and lots and lots of quilts!!!!

Scrappin'.

 My sweet Luke gave me an awesome new

quilting book for CHRISTmas!!!  Had

circumstances been different . . . I would

have probably made every single one of

the quilts in the book by now!!!

 Tonight I cut the squares and strips

for my new project and am ready

to roll!!!!

 I do so love my vintage-esque fabric . . .

. . . I also love making a big pile of scraps.

It looks productive don'tcha think!!!

On the recovery front:  Recovery is MUCH

MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH slower than

I had ever expected.  This coming from a girl

who could take pretty strong sucker punches

and bounce back within moments.  Losing

my wonderful husband of 28 years . . . quite

a different story.  I could never understand

when people would say that all they could

do was to concentrate on their next breath.

I can understand that now.  I could never

understand when people said that they had

to concentrate on just putting one foot in 

front of the other.  I can understand that now.

I could never understand intense physical

pain over losing someone you love so

very very much.  I can understand that now.

I am learning to not expect as much from

myself as I have in the past.  I am learning

that the term "baby steps" can mean

overdoing it.  I am learning a new kind

of loneliness.  I do not like it.  I am 

learning about the unconditional love of

our sweet boys.  I.love.that!!

A sweet friend sent me this note today:

Grief's unexpected turns will throw you again and again. You may feel that for every step forward, you take at least one step back. The grieving process generally takes longer than you ever imagined.

Please don't rush this process. Remember, what you are feeling is not only normal; it is necessary. 

"It's been seven years, and I'm still going through it," says Dr. Larry Crabb, whose brother died in a plane crash. "I don't know if it's a very holy thing to admit, but when someone says, 'Well, it's been a week, a month, a year--Larry, for you it's been seven years. Get a grip. Where's your faith in Christ, for goodness' sake?' I get really angry.

"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."

We read in the Psalms that David grew weary with the process of grief and cried out to the Lord. Then he left the timing in God's hands. 

"Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" (Psalm 6:2-4).

"I am weary with my sighing; Every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief" (Psalm 6:6-7 NASB).

Heavenly God, I cannot even begin to put my grief in a time frame. Thank you that I don't have to. Comfort me and support me as I lean on You. Amen.

What Were We Thinking?!?

What oh what were we all thinking as we

were waiting for our Sam to set the

camera up to take our family pics such

a very short time ago?!? I know one thing

for certain our Jesus knows.  I would so

love those strong hands to be on my 

shoulders right.this.very.second to guide

and protect me as they always have.

Not a second goes by that I do not thank

the Lord for giving our wonderful

husband and Dad to us . . . even if it were

for a much shorter time than we had 

anticipated or wanted.  There are so 

very very many things that I miss about

our Dad, way tooo many to list.

It is a blessing that our good Lord 

quickly makes faint the thoughts of

suffering and pain and replaces them

with only pleasant memories and 

remembrances.  The wind has been taken

out of my sails, but I know that my

Jesus would not give me more than I 

can bear.  I am counting on that.

More Angels.

Amazing, amazing, amazing . . . My Jesus

certainly knew just who to put in my 

life when.  It is so hard to believe that these

amazing women took time out of their

busy lives to minister to me!!!  Blessings

continue to flow in our home.  The pain is

real and intense.  Our Jesus experienced

pain and knows our heartaches.  I am so

grateful that He has provided me such special

gifts as these women.

These ladies are truly a blessing!

1 Thessalonians 5:11 "Therefore encourage one

another and build one another up, just as you

are doing."

Yummy CHRISTmas Snack.

Holy CHRISTmas cow!!!  Imagine this:

popcorn, white chocolate, M&Ms, and

pretzels lovingly stirred together and topped

with CHRISTmas sprinkles.  Yessiree! It

is pretty.darn.yummy.  We are now rolling

around the floor in a sugar coma!!!  This

looks like a yummy CHRISTmas beach

snack to me!!!

On the Mike side: A pretty difficult day 

as his ashes were delivered today. They

will be buckled in safely by me as we

make our way down I-15 to one of our

family's most favoritist places.  It seems 

as though the days get more difficult before

they begin to get better.  I do know that

it has been said that joy comes in the

morning!!  I am really anticipating that!!

"We are pressed on every side by troubles,

but we are not crushed and broken.  We

are perplexed, but we don't give up and quit."

-2 Corinthians 4:8