Missing Our Wonderful Dad.

So loved when things were JUST like THIS!!!

It is just so hard to comprehend.

Difficult to still imagine.

More than hard to believe.

We miss and love our wonderful Dad

so very much!!

Some days are much more difficult

than others . . . Yet, we are all

trying desperately to somehow

move on in our journey.

THURSDAY BONUS:  Had so much

fun facetiming with our Tim.

He is a wonderful son and I miss

him with all of my heart!  I am so

excited that he working so hard to

achieve his goals.

Zach continues to work hard at his

studies and his job.  I am so thankful

for him and how he cares for 

all of us!!

Sam is doing such an AMAZING job

both on and off the course!!!  His

schoolwork is impeccable.  He is

truly a remarkable young man.

Luke . . . what a WONDERFUL

WONDERFUL son!!!  Everything

about him is beyond words.  I

am so very proud of him!!!

BLESSINGS abound.  We are so 

incredibly thankful for our wonderful

family and friends . . . for their 

continued support and prayers.  

There have been so many who have

come alongside . . . willing to bare

some of the burden.  We are forever

grateful.

Count on Me.

Counting on you more than I EVER

imagined.  I do so thank ALL of

you for EVERYTHING that you

have done for my family and

me over the past two years as we

have gone through the fire.

Mom, Susan, Donna, Cathy,

Diane . . . you guys are THE

bestest EVER.  I can count on

you for ANYTHING.  You know

that you can count on me also!!

I.do.not.know.what.I.would.do.

without.you.in.my.life.

All By Myself.

A bazillion text messages. Two hundred phone

calls. Six hundred peanut butter M&Ms.  A

huge quilt project.  Two kids on their second

night of spending the night.  But I did it!!!

I spent almost all of my Saturday all alone.

I had walked my 9 in the morning.  Had

a hair appointment.  Ran several errands.

Came home and worked on my quilt and

some school work.

But . . . I did it!!  My Mom said that she

would come over at a moments notice

and I know that anyone of my pals would

have come over had I called, but I actually

did it.  I can't say that I liked it, but I

did it.  

My besties usually cover my back!

Last night I knew that the boys were

going to be gone, so I called Cathy,

Diane, and Cathy's mom.  They met

me for dinner at my favorite Cafe

Rio and then came to our house

to play cards.  I could have easily

orchestrated something like that today,

but even though there were some tears

and some loud "why" talks with God,

I can say that I did it.

Missin' YOU!

Probably not the very best picture of our

amazing husband and Dad.  But our hearts

continue to break as we miss, miss, miss

this man so very, very, very, very much.

How could this be?  We still cannot even

begin to comprehend it . . .

You are irreplaceable!  We love you so

and cry and speak of you so much of 

our day.  We know that you are where

you are supposed to be and we are 

where we are supposed to be . . . darn.it!

. . . so can't wait to talk to Jesus about

this!!!

Four Months.

Of course my Sam took these amazing

pics when the guys were out on fishing

trips in Reno.  We do realize that we 

have so very many blessings!  Our

family is so thankful for our wonderful

cheerleaders and support team.  We

pray for them always and are ever

grateful for their constant presence in

our lives and their constant care,

thoughts, and prayers for our family.

I would be hard pressed to say that we

would be in such good shape without

them.  We continue to praise God for

the fact that I am able to stay home with

our boys.  We understand what a 

hardship it would be if I had to leave the

boys each day to go to work and to come

home, keep the house inside and out,

care for the boys, run the errands . . . and

the endless list of things that must be

accomplished each and every day.

As we approach four months, we are

now coming to understand that our

new "normal" will now be the way that

we navigate through this life . . . We are

prepared to embrace our new journey

and excited for the triumphs and trials

that we encounter along the way . . .

Buckle up!

Missing our Dad.

The boys and I were talking tonight about 

how very much we miss our Dad.  He was

most definitely one in a million!!!  We talked

about how devoted he was to our family and

how he was interested in ANYTHING that

we were interested in.  He loved to support

us in ALL that we did.  Luke especially misses

all of the outdoor fun and activities that our

Dad so loved to participate in with our

boys.  Even when we moved back to Las

Vegas and his health was failing so, he

would take Luke out to look for birds and

wanted so desperately to take him deer

hunting.  It has been almost four months 

since our wonderful husband and Dad 

passed from this life.  It is still so very

difficult to imagine that he is really in

Heaven.  It is difficult to imagine that he

is really not going to walk through that

front door at any moment.  As the rubber

meets the road, we are encouraged by the

legacy of this sweet wonderful family man.

We are so grateful that he was ours and

that we were so very, very blessed to

have him as the head of our family.  We

miss him so and cannot wait to meet

him again ONE DAY VERY SOON!

Birthday Eve.

 Last year's birthday celebration will

be VERY different from this year's

birthday events.  This is a picture of 

the special lemon cake with raspberry

filling that Mike made for me.  He 

made this while he was exhausted from

treatments and could not even taste one

little bite.

While I could not accept it, somehow my

spirit knew that this would be the very last

birthday that I would share with my incredible

husband on this earth.  Thinking back, I can

remember this day like it were only yesterday,

yet in other ways it seems like a bazillion

years ago.

 I am so very grateful that our Heavenly Father

gave me the bestest gift EVER of these very

special boys who have taken such wonderful

care of me since our incredible husband and

Dad passed from this life.

I can tell you that it is memories like these

that make it.ALL.worth.it.

I bet you know what I was wishing so

very, very hard for . . .

Big 5-0 . . . bring it!!!

Triggers.

Grief counselors call them triggers.  Triggers are

those things that are like little daggers to your

heart and bring on an ambush of feelings about

the loved one you have lost.  There are about

fifty bazillion triggers that bring these feelings

about my sweet Mike.  If I see a truck that looks

like his driving down the street, the tears flow,

if I hear songs on the radio, it is difficult to hold

tears back . . .

 Mike knew how much I loved

carmel dip on just.about.anything.  He purchased

this carmel dip about a month before he

went to Heaven.  I have it tucked behind other

items in the pantry, but every so often it 

sneaks up . . . 

To this point, I really have not moved or

touched ANYTHING let alone pack up or

donate any clothing or personal items.  Seeing

these glasses in his medicine cabinet . . . The

ones that always had shaving cream on the

ear pieces . . . a definite trigger.  I cannot move

the soap in the soap dish in the shower . . . 

plus about a million other things.

Losing your spouse is just about one of the

toughest things that I can ever imagine.

Losing my sweet Mike still seems pretty

surreal to me.  I do think that I am still teater

between shock and denial.  I really simply

do not want to believe it.  

I must say that our wonderful Lord has

provided me with wonderful family and

friends . . . old and new.  He has brought

people in to my life that I would have

never imagined.  He has allowed me to 

grow in areas that I never imagined.

Yep, I am sure that I will have these

triggers the rest of my entire life.  Triggers

that bring back to my mind very quickly

my Mike.  As we recover, we continue

to talk about our wonderful husband and

Dad each and every day.  I can tell when 

one of the boys is especially missing him.

Things will NEVER be the same.  That is

difficult to realize.  We are beginning to

understand that we must accept our "new

normal" and listen as the Lord leads and

prompts us.

For a girl with a storybook life, this is

very difficult to accept . . . I spend many

hours each and every day in prayer and

devote much time to LISTENING . . . which

has NEVER been one of my strong suits.

Three Months.

I do so wonder what my incredibly sweet

husband was thinking in this picture . . .

Three months have passed since our

wonderful husband and Dad went to be

with his Jesus.

Difficult. Crazy. Wild. Happy. Sad.

Fun. Boring. Lonely. Fast. Slow.

Hot. Cold. Crying. Smiling.

So many emotions . . . just so much.

There isn't a moment when I am not

thinking about him and wondering just

what he is getting to do up there.  How

lucky he is to be fulfilling all of the plans

that our Lord has for him.  Yet.  It is

so incredibly hard to be the one

"stuck" here without him.  I look at the

boys and am happy and excited about

all of the memories they have shared

with their awesome Dad.  I look at the

boys and grieve for all of the time and

memories that will never be.  I think 

about myself, sometimes, when I let

that creep in and just cannot imagine

my world without my Mike.  I feel

like a foreigner . . . trudging along, trying

to make sense of so very many things.

Truthfully, I do not think that I even believe

that our Dad is just not going to walk 

right through that front door . . .

Three months . . .

Memories.

 The shelves in our closet are lined with

scrapbooks of all shapes and sizes.  

 While it is difficult for me to even peek

at the bindings of these books containing

a bazillion memories . . . I am EVER so

grateful that we have them.

 The boys pull them out on their

own from time to time.  I can hear

lots and lots of laughter as they

make their way down Memory Lane.

 . . . naked pics . . . not.so.much.

 We are so grateful for our memories

and how God allows us to hold them

in special places in our mind.

It is so very painful to allow myself to think

about too many of them at one time . . . It

seems to work best to savor and treasure them

in small increments.  According to experts,

there is just no "getting over this".  All I can

assure you is that I have never, EVER, never,

EVER been through ANYTHING that even

comes remotely close to comparing to losing

my amazing husband and the father of our

wonderful boys.  Why did God chose me?

I cannot wait until that part of my journey is

revealed.  It is so very difficult to fathom all

that the reality of this brings . . . so I 

take it, as one of my sweet friends said,

"One breath and one step at a time".  At

times that is a wee bit difficult.  You see

I have been breathing and walking with

someone mighty special for a very long

time.  Doing it on my own is so very

foreign . . . and at times seems almost

impossible.  So for now, I cling to what I

know best and that is my Jesus does not

make mistakes.  I hug and kiss those boys

way too tightly at times.  And . . . make

lots and lots and lots of quilts!!!!

What Were We Thinking?!?

What oh what were we all thinking as we

were waiting for our Sam to set the

camera up to take our family pics such

a very short time ago?!? I know one thing

for certain our Jesus knows.  I would so

love those strong hands to be on my 

shoulders right.this.very.second to guide

and protect me as they always have.

Not a second goes by that I do not thank

the Lord for giving our wonderful

husband and Dad to us . . . even if it were

for a much shorter time than we had 

anticipated or wanted.  There are so 

very very many things that I miss about

our Dad, way tooo many to list.

It is a blessing that our good Lord 

quickly makes faint the thoughts of

suffering and pain and replaces them

with only pleasant memories and 

remembrances.  The wind has been taken

out of my sails, but I know that my

Jesus would not give me more than I 

can bear.  I am counting on that.

S.u.n.d.a.y.

 Our crew loves Spring Mountain Ranch.

We took a little drive up there this

weekend.  The boys and I agree that

our Family Sunday will most definitely

need major revamping.  We are not 

sure how to accomplish this, but we 

are seriously praying about how to 

make Sundays easier to navigate.  

Sundays were our family day. It is

our one day each week that we set

aside for each other before the hectic

week begins.  Sundays are full of coziness,

M&Ms, waffles, whipped cream . . . 

Pray as we think how to make Sundays

easier.  Tomorrow marks back to 

reality for Luke and I as school returns

in full swing.  Sam and Zach still have

another couple of weeks before their

classes begin.

We continue to be thankful for God's

grace which includes helping us

put one foot in front of the other.

Losing a wonderful husband and

awesome Dad is much more difficult

than imaginable.  Our boys and I continue

to be grateful for our many blessings 

which includes wonderful family and

friends.  We are grateful for those who

remind us that grieving has nothing to

do with our Christian walk and that

the pain of loss is real and intense. 

Balloons for Our Dad.

One month.  In some ways it seems 

like only moments ago.  In others it

seems like an eternity has passed since

our sweet husband and Dad passed

away.  Most of the time I simply 

do not believe it . . . at.all.

 Today the boys and I took balloons

to one of our very favorite spots.

We wrote notes and attached them

to the balloons . . . 

and let them soar . . . 

It was a bittersweet experience, as

most of them are lately.  Bittersweet.

I feel as though we deserved a "chip"

or something as do those who have

participated in any 12-step program

for 30 days . . . No chip, just a

reassurance that our wonderful 

husband and Dad is where he needs

to be and we are still here on this

earth doing what the Lord intends us

to do. Surreal. Most.definitely.

"As high as heaven rises above earth, so

his gracious love strengthens those who

fear him." Psalm 103:11

Secret Santa.

 Tonight we had our annual Secret Santa

gift exchange.  Early in November, each of

our family members draws a name and

purchases a special gift for that person.

 We started the evening off with Rudolph and

Santa pancakes!!!  (Anything with that much

whipped cream is amazing!!!)

I could not have made it without all of my

elves in the kitchen.  This entire day has been

emotional and bittersweet.

 The tears began to flow as I opened our

family picture.  We recently had our family

pictures taken by our resident photog, Sam.

We have not had a chance to have any

of them made.  He chose the very best one

and had it blown up and framed.  Needless

to say, I am not.over.it.yet.

 Mike had drawn Sam's name.  In November,

it took everything he had to go to the mall to

pick out this tool set for Sam.  He wanted to

make sure that I knew where he had hidden

the gift and to wrap it for him for his Sam.

Tears . . . joy . . . tears . . . joy!

Santa's sleigh is packed and ready to fly to

SoCal early in the morning!!!!!

God sent a very special Secret Santa gift to 

me this morning.  Mike has an AMAZING

extended family of aunts, uncles, and cousins

who live in Portland, Oregon.  We.love.them.

so.so.so.so.so.so.much!!  They came to 

visit our Dad in July.  Last night we were

really missing them.  We were tinkering around

with the airlines thinking of paying them a

visit . . . I was so excited that Mike's cousin,

Pam emailed me this morning just to say

that she was thinking of us . . . sending hugs . . .

How great is our God.  Amazing.I.know!

It is difficult as I struggle with so many

emotions.  I know with all my heart that He

knows what He is doing, but it is so very,

very painful at the same time!!!!

Secret Santa Blessings!