Triggers.

Grief counselors call them triggers.  Triggers are

those things that are like little daggers to your

heart and bring on an ambush of feelings about

the loved one you have lost.  There are about

fifty bazillion triggers that bring these feelings

about my sweet Mike.  If I see a truck that looks

like his driving down the street, the tears flow,

if I hear songs on the radio, it is difficult to hold

tears back . . .

 Mike knew how much I loved

carmel dip on just.about.anything.  He purchased

this carmel dip about a month before he

went to Heaven.  I have it tucked behind other

items in the pantry, but every so often it 

sneaks up . . . 

To this point, I really have not moved or

touched ANYTHING let alone pack up or

donate any clothing or personal items.  Seeing

these glasses in his medicine cabinet . . . The

ones that always had shaving cream on the

ear pieces . . . a definite trigger.  I cannot move

the soap in the soap dish in the shower . . . 

plus about a million other things.

Losing your spouse is just about one of the

toughest things that I can ever imagine.

Losing my sweet Mike still seems pretty

surreal to me.  I do think that I am still teater

between shock and denial.  I really simply

do not want to believe it.  

I must say that our wonderful Lord has

provided me with wonderful family and

friends . . . old and new.  He has brought

people in to my life that I would have

never imagined.  He has allowed me to 

grow in areas that I never imagined.

Yep, I am sure that I will have these

triggers the rest of my entire life.  Triggers

that bring back to my mind very quickly

my Mike.  As we recover, we continue

to talk about our wonderful husband and

Dad each and every day.  I can tell when 

one of the boys is especially missing him.

Things will NEVER be the same.  That is

difficult to realize.  We are beginning to

understand that we must accept our "new

normal" and listen as the Lord leads and

prompts us.

For a girl with a storybook life, this is

very difficult to accept . . . I spend many

hours each and every day in prayer and

devote much time to LISTENING . . . which

has NEVER been one of my strong suits.